We tried having a conversation with our noses.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
