I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
