you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
