I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
