just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
