I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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