The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
