Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
