honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
There's always time for handjobs
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
