I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
