I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
