ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
