So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
