also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
