I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
My hand turned me down
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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