Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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