Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
