i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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