We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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