I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
