Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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