I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
