Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
