dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
