you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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