I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
