Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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