I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
