I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
