2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
