saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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