Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
