You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
