if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
