Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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