he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
