This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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