imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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