If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
