Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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