We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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