see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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