: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
