Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
