You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
