So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
found the other keg... it's in the tree
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Randomize
