I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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