Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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