I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
