New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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